Josiah’s blog

Okay...so there has been a lot that I have been through the past few months. I have been trying to find my way. I have always had direction, but everything seems to often change on a dime. The one area that I have not always had direction is the private area in my life.

I have searched for answers in so many areas: Drugs, alcohol, sexual acts, homosexual acts...

Throughout my life, I have been trying to fill a God-shaped hole with lusts of the flesh. Quite obviously, they never worked, but that didn't mean that I would stop trying.

About a month, or so, ago I made a commitment to God about Who my life would belong to - Him. Shortly after that, I fell backward a few steps. Through this weekend, He has opened my eyes tenfold! I read the Bible, like I usually do each night...but on Saturday evening, I decided to read the crucifixion and resurrection story from each of the gospels (the time seemed correct for such a reading). Then we went over it in church. The preacher preached a wonderful sermon and put it in a way that I never really thought about before.

We see how the Romans brutally beat Christ and mock Him in such a horrible way. We have the ability of hind-sight to see how this is...but the pastor mentioned how the Roman soldiers faked a bowing to Christ (mocking Him). He mentioned how we do the same thing...we put Christ to the side while we live our lives how we want to...then when we need something, we pray to God...expecting Him to answer our prayers in the ways we expect...then we go back to being in charge of our own lives...but there is hope. What is it that Christ was saying? "Forgive them, Father. For they know not what they do." He was being killed by these people and He was asking for their forgiveness.

One thing I have noticed is that when I have a close relationship with Christ, the temptation is hardcore...the attacks are hardcore. When I'm living a life in sin, things seem to be going well...isn't that just the truth.

I have had time to think about my life and my future. Whether or not Christ has plans for me to marry in the future, I do not know. My life is dedicated to Him. Right now, and for the future (unless He has other plans for this), I will be single. The only way that this will change is if He throws someone in my life...because I have no plans for it!! :) Who knows...maybe I will eventually need someone for extra strength in the future. But...my life is dedicated to Christ.

Forgiven by Thomas Blackshear

Lost and Found by Greg Olsen

I got into a discussion earlier today with one of the ladies in the Health Office. It was pretty cool. After my encounter with the Nurse Practitioner, it was nice to have a healthy conversation. I'm sick of the Nurse Practitioner thinking that I have a gay STD...she needs to just drop that. I feel that sex would be a requirement for that, don't you? Anyway...

So Lori and I began discussing the way of God. The reason this came about was because we were discussing music, actually. She told me of a Christian artist she really liked and I talked about Jonny Lang. I talked about his song, "Turn Around." It talks about how as long as you are still breathing, it's never too late to turn around.

She told me about one of her daughter's friends who was walking away from the Lord. And she told her daughter that it's okay. They need to pray for her and no matter how far away from God she goes, He will take her back.

What a mighty God we serve. He never ceases to amaze me. The more I think about my calling into the ministry, it blows my mind. I thank Him for taking a sinner like me and calling me into the ministry.

I also made a decision last night. This has been something that I have felt God calling me to for quite some time. I told Christ that He can have all of me. I rededicated my life and love to Him. I plan to live a single life so that my time and devotion will be solely to God. At times it kind of worries me, but I know that I have all I need. The love of One who will never break my heart. I will have all the time I need to give to others. My family will be the Church, the family of God.

So here I go...with many of the ambitions of John Wesley, but the dedication of Francis Asbury. :) I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I don't want to know. As long as I have Christ by my side, no matter what foes I may face, I am already victorious. :)

I also cannot wait to face the future. I would like to work in a church in a largely homosexual area. Perhaps I'll see if I can work in boystown with the ministry Jim Lo is doing there. We will see. Whatever He has in store, I'm ready. :)

I really don't get it. I understand that when I go against the grain, I will face opposition. My whole life has faced opposition...but to use Scripture against me telling me that I'm judging others? By pointing out a serious problem that we are facing, I'm judging? And I should remove the plank from my own eye? Don't even try to think that you know where I stand spiritually. Don't think you know the relationship I have with Christ.

You want to know my biggest problem? I'll tell you. It's rooted in my orientation. I check guys out. Do I let it go beyond that? No. I mean, I can think, "Oh, he's cute," and a few times I have voiced it to my friends. Do I think I'm perfect? No. Do I carry it as far as I used to? No. Do I go to pornographic sites like I used to? No. Do I masturbate like I used to? No. Do not judge me.

The world is a fallen place. I'm doing what I can to change things. The problem is that I put my whole self into it. So, when I'm attacked like this, it really bugs me.

I said that we have a world that is too materialistic. I pointed out the ways in which we are materialistic. I said that people should not waste money on what they do. The reason? So many people I have known establish who they are by what they wear and what they drive. I'm not saying that they are bad people...or that they will go to hell for it. I'm merely stating that if they don't value themselves by what they wear or drive, why don't they try things differently. Buy cheaper...stick with the same car. How is that judging? I point out problems and put in place a way to take care of the problems.

If you think that we live in a nation that isn't all about materialism, where the heck do you live? If you think that that is judging, look up the definition of the word!

Do I think that everyone who buys expensive stuff thinks highly of themselves? No. I never said that. If you read it into what I wrote...that's your deal. Once again, I placed it upon those who define who they are by it. Pay attention to what I write, okay? Before you make assumptions. I made the distinction of who I was addressing in the SECOND SENTENCE of the note/blog...okay?

I put my whole self into what I write. I realize that not everyone will like it and people think that they know what you mean by their own interpretations. Well...if you want to make assumptions about what I write...pay attention to what I write first, okay? Then respond. Or just better yet, don't respond. When I write a note/blog, I'm not writing to get everyone's personal opinion about it. I'm writing to get my opinion off my chest so I can continue on.

People say that honesty is the best policy. But when does honest become too honest and people turn away? I find myself swirling in a world that I don't fully understand...and I don't know how to react.

Complete honesty - I am bisexual...or gay. It really just depends on the day. I could be in a relationship with a woman...but it's complicated. So, this means that I am attracted to men. I have been since before I can remember.

When I was young, I was molested by an older male. A teenager, I believe. This resulted in my own confusion and hatred...of myself. I had more encounters around the same age - 4-6. I didn't completely understand what was going on, but I wasn't opposed to it. It wasn't until later that I discovered that it was wrong.

I grew up not understanding why I was different and began to shelter myself from the other boys. I would hang out with girls and I was often made fun of because of it. I was called a girl and I was rejected by my own gender. It hurt, yet I couldn't help but feel an attraction towards them. I cannot explain it.

When I reached high school, the confusion of a new place (we had moved shortly before), hormones all crazy because of puberty, the realization that I wasn't attractive because I was overweight, my body changing...so much going on and I was a mess. I was looking for something and I didn't know what it was. There was a sudden realization of just how attractive other boys were. I had been attracted to boys before, but now it was different. I denied it when asked, and I had a new girlfriend each week, so there was always a female on my arm to show that I was "normal". But I wanted so much to have what all the other guys had...male friends. I wanted to be "one of the guys." Just hang out and have male friends. All I had was a growing list of exes who hated me, I'm sure.

My grades plummeted that year and so I was sent to a different school. A Christian school. Nothing really changed too much. I lost a lot of weight and I still found myself falling for the guys in my classes. It was a small school, and I still didn't really fit in. The guys were all into football and soccer and I wasn't. I wanted to have male friends, but I was beginning to realize that I didn't even know how to be one of them.

The summer before my junior year, my father was being sent to South Korea for a year. I was told that I would be allowed to pick anywhere to graduate from (move there my junior year and stay there for the last two years of high school). I chose to move to Cheboygan. We had moved away from Cheboygan when I was in 8th grade. I had my closest friends from there so that is where I wanted to be.

We moved back to Cheboygan and I began school there. I wasn't out about my orientation and I began dating around. There were many guys that I was attracted to, but I knew that I didn't have a chance. It was in Cheboygan that I discovered ways to forget your troubles...for a while. I found alcohol and marijuana, although I preferred alcohol. I discovered that when I was drinking, I was happy. I had no troubles while under the influence. Life was great and I was with my friends. I finally had guy friends and this was one thing that we had in common...getting drunk. It was how we bonded.

I ended up dating someone in the school. I had gone through so many girls like I did before, until one. I didn't date her planning to fall in love, but I did. We were together for a year and two months. There was a short breakup in there, but we didn't count it because we still loved each other through it. We ended up breaking up for a few reasons, but one of them is that I wasn't ready for it. Even though I loved her and wanted to be with her, it was like I needed male companionship.

I went back to school my senior year with everyone knowing my orientation, though I never officially told anyone. I had filled out an online dating thing and it had my picture and orientation on it...how bright was that? I, of course, denied it.

As a result to my constant alcoholism and drugs, my parents decided that it was best if we moved. I was extremely bitter and I wanted nothing to do with my new school which was, of course, a Christian school. I hated it there so much. The kids were constantly making fun of me and talking crap about me because I wasn't straight. Once again, I was rejected by men. I was able to fool everyone, though, into thinking I was such a happy person. I had discovered how to do this during my sophomore year of high school. I appeared to be one of the happiest people in that school.

My first few years of college proved to be rather interesting. I had my first official boyfriend my freshman year of college. He and I didn't have a long relationship, but I had found, it seemed, the acceptance I needed. When he and I were together, we had a great time and life was wonderful. I ended up returning to this school my sophomore year of college, but things weren't the same. He wanted for us to get back together and I didn't.

I ended up meeting someone who I was engaged to for a time. Her and I dated and then I moved back home and we decided that we would meet together at Cedar Point...work there for the summer, get engaged and then move back up to Michigan, where I would finish my education, she would work and we would get married. I showed up for Cedar Point and she didn't. She ended up sleeping with someone for a while and didn't tell me. When I confronted her, she didn't really care.

A week after her and I broke up, I met Roger. He and I hit it off and began dating. It was with him that I lost my virginity. Even though he and I had sex, it wasn't that that I enjoyed most about our relationship. We would just lay in bed and be together. I felt safe. I had him.

That summer proved to be one of the most amazing/crazy summers of my life. I had TONS of guys who were my friends. There was a huge population of gay men working at Cedar Point and I made many friends. I found people who were going through what I was and they were happy. We would go out clubbing, drinking, dancing, whatever and just have fun. I was able to be around men with the same interests and feelings as I did.

After the summer, I moved back home with mom and dad and continued my education in Germany. I met someone else who I would eventually become engaged to. She was, pretty much, my only friend throughout the time I lived there. Her and I would go out clubbing every Wednesday...and would drink whenever we could, pretty much.

The next summer, her and I went to Cedar Point together and then everything fell apart. I ended up "seeing" someone while we were there (her and I were not together) who was a guy. She proceeded to tell her mother, who told her father, who told my father. Oh, and I forgot to mention that her father told my father while they were overseas. At war. So I get a panicked email from my dad. I had to clear things up (because apparently, she told her mother that I was chasing around all the gay boys...hmmm...ONE boy meant tons). I cleared up with my dad that it was not true (I didn't say why). And our friendship nearly ended.

That fall, I decided to go to Indiana Wesleyan University. I thought that it would help me out and I felt that I was called to go into the ministry. Everything blew up in my face and I ended up leaving. I felt judged and hated and, once again, rejected. I was out with my orientation and that was the year we had the colloquium about homosexuality and I realized just how close-minded conservative Christian men, who were going to be pastors, could be. I was friends with an RA and he wanted me to stick it out and try to work things out, but I wasn't about to.

In March, I enlisted in the Air Force. I went off to basic training and realized rather quickly, that it wasn't where God wanted me. But I didn't stop. I completed basic training and Tech School. It was at my first base that I realized it sucked. At this time, I was a smoker and I was on anti-depressants. I had another boyfriend, who lived in the area. He introduced me to Faces, the night club I ended up bartending at. It was a gay club. I worked there for a few months and began having regulars coming in. At this point, I had a new boyfriend.

October of that year, I was discharged from the Air Force for admittance of being bisexual. It originated from me telling a guy who I drove around (he didn't have a car) that I was going to counseling. After his asking me why I drove so far to have counseling, I told him what it was for. I was going to counseling for people who struggle with sexual identity (aka homosexuals). It didn't work, but I continued to go because I wanted to be cured. He decided to tell everyone up our chain of command, which started an investigation that led to my discharge. It was honorable, though.

I left the area and moved in with a friend from Cedar Point, Erin. She told me that I could move in with her, so I decided to. While living there, I found myself at a crappy job, but with a great guy. He proved to be loving and caring and all I really needed. He put up with my craziness and was always a wonderful supporter. Our relationship ended when I decided to go back to Indiana Wesleyan.

Before heading off to school, I joined my parents down in Florida for Christmas. This was the first time that we had been together since they had found out about my orientation and discharge. It was a horrible time when it all happened because my life was blown apart by it. So I was worried about meeting up with them again. It ended up being just fine...although I had car trouble and made a short detour, everything ended up fine. I told my aunt about my orientation and she had no problems with it, or me. She was glad that I felt free to share and was nothing but loving to me (the detour led me to spend Christmas with her in Atlanta).

My parents were the same way...other than they didn't really mention my orientation...well...for the most part. My mom brought it up once and told me that she was disappointed...which really upset me. I never chose to have feelings for men. I never chose to be like this, but she was disappointed with me for it (I know she didn't intend to hurt me and she has recently informed me that she was dissapointed that I didn't have a normal childhood. It had nothing to do with this. I just took it the wrong way).  My dad brought it up once to let me know that I shouldn't live with my grandma and go to school up there because she could be really harsh at times.

So I returned to Indiana Wesleyan. By this time, I had gotten off of my anti-depressants and I was no longer smoking. I met a few new friends and was going to counseling at Aldersgate. Things seemed to be going well. I ended up having another breakdown and I wrote a blog about it. My brother and sister were concerned and called a police officer to come and check up on me. I was embarrassed to say the least. So I did what I always have done in the past...shove it all deep inside and display on the outside what people want to see. A difficult task, but practice had made me perfect at it.

The spring semester saw a group of new friends, only a couple of whom were male, and although I still had a hostility towards conservative Christians, I decided that I would return in the fall.

The summer proved to be most extraordinary. I began working at Cedar Point, but that was not where God wanted me. I met a guy who was wonderful, but since this was not where God wanted me to be, I had to leave him. That was difficult. But the sacrifice made there proved minimal to the experience that entailed for the rest of the summer.

I worked at Camp Otterbein, where I was shown true Christianity. I met a group of friends that would change my life forever. I was worried about working there because of what parents might think when they met me. I realized that there were many issues regarding homosexual men and young children. And even though I have no intent towards any such thing, I thought that it should come to the attention of those I worked for.

When I told the director, she was amazing. She talked with me about it (we would many times) and she was so accepting. She said that if it ever came up to her, she would defend me. When she knew that I was called into the ministry, she gave me the option to speak during a week when the pastor was working with others...I was given a full week to speak with junior highers, which was a wonderful experience for me. She even gave me a prayer labyrinth to write and assist in the building and executing of.

She was not the only one who was wonderful during the summer...the whole staff was. I ended up coming out to everyone within the first few weeks. And they were completely wonderful. They did not condemn me or tell me I was going to hell. I just became one of the group. I wasn't "the gay one" or anything...I was a part of the group. One of the guys would even make gay jokes and stuff and I thought it was hilarious! The way he would do it wasn't condescending...but it was his humor. It was accepting.

I returned in the fall to Indiana Wesleyan University as a much stronger person. I believed in myself and I was happy with who I was. This lasted through most of the semester. Near the end of it, I began to doubt my orientation and the lack of acceptance from guys seemed to make me wonder, once again, what was wrong with me.

I also met someone. He was the perfect man. He had everything that I was looking for in a guy. Every second that I was with him, I was happy. I ended up falling for him. Afraid of what may happen, I put up boundaries. I made a decision of how far he and I could go. I don't think he knows how hard that was for me...he may never.

I ended up making more friends. More guys. I was excited for what the spring semester would bring. I had more friends and it seemed that the last semester at Indiana Wesleyan would be marvelous. During Christmas Break I made another friend from Indiana Wesleyan. I thought that we would be hanging out and we seemed to hit it off...but that never ended up happening and all attempts I made to hangout with him ended in rejection. Once again....male rejection.

During Christmas Break, I ended up feeling really down and depressed again. I found myself upset and I didn't know why. I began to get tired again. I resorted to find another man to fill my void.

I returned to Indiana Wesleyan University and found myself with all the rejection that I thought wouldn't happen. I felt alone again. I found a friend on the outside who would spend time with me. I resorted to drinking again...the one place that I found happiness...because when I was tipsy I was happy and everything seemed fine.

I've been forced this semester to face some of the skeletons that I have had buried in my closet for years, which is why I'm writing this...to get it all out. In class today, the prof talked about children who are molested and how they feel. He forced me to think about something that I have ALWAYS suppressed. My molestation. I never would allow that to reach the surface...no matter what happened, I never thought about it. He discussed it and I had to listen.

I am ashamed because of what happened. I hate myself for allowing it. I never cried, I never tried to change anything...I just allowed it. I have never had a healthy relationship with a male since. I don't know how. I'm afraid of men. I do have friends who are guys, but I don't really get close to them emotionally.

This summer I will be going to intensified counseling (live-in program) for men who struggle with sexual identity. I want answers. I want to feel whole. I want to be able to develop relationships with men. I want to be able to be "one of the guys." If it doesn't happen, I don't know what I will do.

In the end, I know it comes to my relationship with Jesus Christ. Regardless of what the outcome will be, I know that if I lean on Him, I will not fail.

Within the past week, I have moved forward with my walk with the Lord. I am back on anti-depressants and I will begin counseling soon to discuss the issues of my molestation. I do not know exactly where I will end up, but I know that the Lord is by my side and that‘s all I need. I have had temptation, but I feel stronger to fight against it. He has built me up and it is difficult to explain. This is where I am now and this is my testimony.

Through my struggles and openness with many others, I have discovered friendships with those who have been through, or are going through, the same problems as I am. Through hearing their stories and learning about their lives' situations, my heart breaks.

I am knowing people who have been through things far worse than I could have imagined. I have a friend who deals with being spoken against, even being called horrid names, at school, work and home. At home! That is the place where one is supposed to be safe. Yet safety is not there.

I have friends who have experienced rape and molestation. Rape. Not at a young age, but recent. One even as recent as this past summer. This is someone who, at one time, was a strong Christian. I do not know this persons full story yet, but the more I learn, the more my heart reaches out to him.

I know that I am not perfect in any way, but I know where I am called to ministry. At each turn, God seems to be letting me know. In my Sports Ministry class, we are constantly told to follow our God-given passion. In Wesleyan Church History, we are learning about Wesley and the ministries he did out on the corners, reaching the people who would not go to church, or not be able to. We learn about small groups and I am given wonderful ideas as to how to use those towards my own ministry.

I am not at a place where I would say that I am entirely sanctified, but then again, I would. Through the past week I have felt a closeness to God in a way that I cannot explain. I feel no need to sin in the ways that I have before. The habitual sins that would rampage my life in the past are not an issue anymore. I no longer desire to go after them. When the temptation to do so arises, it is so entirely insignificant that it is easy to just brush off my shoulder.

There are times when I feel great anger, but this anger is, I believe, anger in a good sense. I do not feel angry for my own selfish reasons, but rather I feel angry for the lack of active Christians. What has happened? If we truly are different people and we have a new life in Christ, why is it that so few are interested in action? Why do so many just go through the motions? Have we allowed society to dilute what it is that we have? Do we prefer to be silent and perceived as people who do not wish to force their beliefs upon others?

We are being watched, whether we want to be or not. The world is looking at us and they don't see people with lives renewed. They see hypocrites. The see the pharisees of Jesus' day; the people who go out and have wondrous loud prayers about how they are better than those around them. They walk into the church, not to open arms and welcoming committees, but to a solitary handshake by the greeter. And then, if the service calls for it, an empty "how are you" at the greeting/announcement time.

Now I will get back to where I was going with this message in the first place. I fear what God has in store for me. I am torn and I seem to be unsure as to which it is...perhaps a mixture of both. I want to work for Exodus and go around to travel to people and let them know that Jesus loves them. Let people who struggle with sexual identity know that they have a Savior Who does not act like the supposed "church" of today. That He would never turn His back on them and He died to set them free. I also want to go out to the people who won't go to these meetings. I want to reach out to the people who won't set foot into the church because of rejection, or fear of it. I want to go out on the street and let them know they have Hope. There is One Who loves them unconditionally. That they should not allow what they have seen and heard destroy their idea of the One Who is supposed to be represented. Christ loves them, God loves them. Why will the church not go out and preach this? Why does the church turn their backs. Do they not sin? Are the people of the church without sin? Since I know this is not the case, why do they act this way? I am not angry right now...I am honestly in pain, almost in tears. Why are they like this? I have known too many people who have been hurt to the point of never wanting to even hear the name of Christ spoken. They have been turned away and hated by the ones who are supposed to represent Christ. How does the church expect to be able to change the world if they hate the people in the world they want to change.

"Love the sinner, hate the sin." Never use that phrase. How can you say that to someone who believes himself/herself to be homosexual? You hate their homosexuality? You are pretty much saying, "I love you, I hate you." Kind of a mixed message. The thing is this: the best message that we can send the world is to love the person. After building a friendship we will be able to help guide them towards Christ. Someone enters the church, accept them with open arms. Regardless of race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation, etc. The earlier phrase should be restated as this, "Love the sinner." Leave the hating of the sin to God.

My heart breaks for this world we find ourselves in. We are surrounded by lost and hurting people. It tears me apart to think that the one place they can find love, they merely are discovering more rejection. I will help to change that. Am I alone?

Okay I just have to get this off my chest. Why is it that so many people seem to be so preoccupied with material things? I just don't get it! It's like, do they really think that they can impress others with all that?

I have seriously had people talking to me about their shopping at Abercrombie and then...blah blah blah and I could tell they were waiting for an approval from me about their shopping. What do you want? A pat on the back? Okay...so you waste a couple hundred on a pair of jeans...go you? I could care less about what you wear. If you feel so insecure about who you are that you have to dress in the most "popular" clothing fashions, you need help.

It's like the whole "vehicle" thing, too. These people who have to have the Beemers and whatnot. Someone talking to me about looking at these cars...or telling me about the car they have. I don't really give a rats behind. I roll in a Grand Prix...with over 200,000 miles on it. How did I get it? My brother gave it to me. It sure as hell cost me a lot less than what yours did...and I still get from point A to B without any problems. I'll run it till it dies.

I grew up in a privileged family, but my parents always stressed the importance of not placing our value in our possessions. So I don't. Majority of my newest clothing was found on the sales rack! I bought clothes from Old Navy on sale! Talk about a bargain! :)

I know that people will be offended by this and tell me they don't shop at these places because they place their value in "stuff." My first response comes from words that I no longer really use. Dangit. How else can I phrase this...if you don't place your value there, purchase clothing from a lower-scale store and wear it regularly. Purchase a cheaper car, or keep the old one if it works. So much money is being ridiculously wasted. Ha! I mean, I wear the same, like, ten pair of shirts...I own more shirts than that...but these ten are my favorite...so I wear 'em all the time! :) YAY! :) Am I ashamed?! Heck no! I love these shirts! Why not wear 'em?

Do I have too much clothing? Yeah. But I'm going to be taking a lot of it with me this Spring Break to give it to a homeless shelter. Why not allow someone who can't afford the clothing have all the practically new (many of them not worn) clothing that I don't wear? Have someone appreciate it!!

Well, I think this enough of a rant for me-for now at least. :) It's just all of this materialism that we see today that bothers me. There is more to life than what you wear or drive. How about who you really are? Most people don't even know who this is...do you? Me? I'm a bisexual male who has been called by God into the ministry. I'm going to counseling to help me deal with my orientation. That's who I am. My life is out on the table. I'm not shy to tell anyone. :)